Life gets risky at some point but I hope you hold on

At one point in my life, I became a drama queen. There were nights when I just cry buckets of tears without any specific reason at all. I cry because life in general gets so complicated that I couldn't find a way where to go. It seems like everything just shut down, leaving me hopeless. The only thing that makes me calm is the thought of buying myself cupcakes after a good cry. It helped. Somehow. It went on and on until I realized that maybe it's time to change how I see things. I forced myself and took the risk. At first, I was afraid of taking the risk. What if it's all wrong? Surprisingly, I gathered everything I have and I feel stronger and somehow stable. It feels good. Having to stand for yourself does you good. Plus, it makes you feel good. It's good to know your worth. And surely you are worthy of all the good things and a little of bad things, too. Because life is a share of good and bad. It depends on how you see and react to things. Life isn't going to get any easier as you grow older. It gets risky at some point. But we should hold on to ourselves because life also gets fruitful as it grows older. Be strong, keep the faith burning, and hope always.

Life will always be confusing

At 20, I thought that life will be easier to live; that I have experienced enough to face problems on my own. I thought all my choices are going to be all right. I thought that I can do everything I want because I am technically not a teenager anymore; no one could stop me from all my choices. So I spent days outside the city mostly, going to other places within the region, going to friends' houses and eat/drink a lot, many nights were spent at the beach and many days ended up not able to talk because I drank too much alcohol. It was fun. Everything were all  I ever wanted. I planned summer outings and even regular days and nights whenever there are no classes or there's a holiday. I enjoyed everything I did. I loved every single bit of it. It was perfect.

At 21, I admit that I was undecided but just fine. I was puzzled and suddenly I became focused on other things. It was a year of realizations for me. Realizations on life in general and then going through each bit of it. I admit it was difficult. Confusing. I knew I had to challenge myself. I needed to hear what I really want. It was more like looking very deeply to the core of my heart -- what should be done, what challenges to take, what other stuff to try, what to achieve and what to break. I listened and looked very closely. Little by little, I understood. It was the hardest choices I've ever done but it made life a bit lighter but still confusing.

At 22, life is still confusing but life is more focused. Although I admit life is blurry at some point but I figured it has always been like that. What's new? Nothing, except that it isn't that heavy. I learned that it's perfectly okay to feel confused at life because it is constantly moving; it is changing. Life has something new to offer and I am very excited for it. Whatever it may be, I know I will be okay.

So don't question why life is confusing because it will always be confusing. Search questions, discover answers, and when you do things, do it because you love to. There will be a lot of choices in life but choose the ones that make you happy. After all, living life is living with content, love and happiness.

Love can be everything

Love.

It's not solely about having someone to romanticize with rather something that I know I will forever cherish. It doesn't mean I can't love someone for a long time, though. I could and we could do something that he might love, too.

It could be anything that makes you feel good. Such as songs that keep you sane; television series that take away your stress; books that help you escape from reality; or movies that you still love no matter how many times you've watched them.

It could be watching the sunrise. To feel the sunlight on your skin which reminds you that you are alive and you are capable of laughing among all other things. Or it could be watching the sunset. To remind you to slow down because tomorrow's going to be another day. To remind you to take a rest because being alive doesn't always mean to take actions of everything and finish everything in a day. You have to rest for it has been a productive one.

It could be being with friends, laughing, talking, dancing, singing, walking, running, getting a massage, drinking tea or coffee while watching the rain outside your window, or maybe being with someone in the rain. It could be wearing your favorite shirt, being in your favorite place at home, school, or in a coffee shop surrounded by strangers along with their favorite cup of coffee. Also, books. It could be gardening, writing in a piece of paper or notebook, or blogging.

It could be shared to others by talking, hugging, cuddling, kissing, holding hands or you know what I mean. At least looking eye-to-eye with someone you know very deeply.

Love.

It is not only a feeling but also an act. If you are happy with your actions, then that's love.

Everyone is capable to love.

Everyone deserves to feel it.

A miracle I am always happy to have witnessed.

Not all things are possible but there exist miracles. They may make the impossible possible but it doesn't usually last longer. But I was glad I met that miracle one day in the hospital.

I was young when my Papa died. I was too young to actually take care of him. My other siblings and Mama were the ones who actually took care of him. I remember visiting him in the hospital to send medicines and food. And when he was already home, I was the one who gave him his medicines by following what was written on the schedule made by my sister who was a nurse. By that, I am very sure I have done my part on taking care of him in my own little ways. 

Two years later, Mama died. But before that day, I remember the first, second and third times I thought she'll leave us. I was there on those tough times. I thought that if I took part on taking care of Papa, I would do much better for Mama as I am two years older. On the first attempt, she slipped on the floor while cooking for lunch and shouted my name very loudly. I ran towards her. And then we went to the hospital. It was very unexpected.

This miracle I am about to talk happened on the second attempt to bring Mama to the hospital. She got a stroke since the first attempt but it was a little bit okay as she became a little lively. The second attempt happened when I got back from school. They brought Mama to the hospital again. She was sent to the emergency room. I was there beside her crying with two of my sisters. Mama was sleeping but I know there was something wrong. 

We were waiting for a doctor to see us. It was the scariest place I've been to because almost every patient died every thirty minutes or something wrong happened. And there were a lot of beeps of different frequencies from different machines. It was chaotic and every patient were fighting for their lives. Mama was one of them but she was calm as she was sleeping. 

I didn't want to cry because I don't want my sisters to see me crying. So I was looking away from them but still standing beside Mama. I saw this old lady with very long white hair. She was standing in the center of the wide entrance looking for someone, I assumed. She had a white complexion, and she slowly walked towards a patient and then to another. I saw that the people didn't mind her at all as she tried to talk to them. So I thought maybe she's a stranger for them, too. I was looking at her all the time and she looked at me and walked towards us. She touched Mama and I hated it because I didn't want someone else to touch her rather than us or any doctor/nurse but I didn't act very negatively that time. She started asking questions but she was looking at mama and not at us. I looked at her and somehow saw my grandmother (Mama's mama) as she has also white long hair. She was also wearing a very big red ring and it suited her well. My sisters were crying and crying while talking to her about what happened and some other things I'm not sure of because I wasn't listening. I was spaced out while looking at her. Then she told me to run towards the chapel and pray this and that. Without any hesitation, although I didn't like her touching Mama at first, I ran towards the chapel because I believe in the power of prayer and I know it was right to pray.

I left them. I was crying in the chapel very loudly and helplessly. I didn't care what others think about me. I knew they'd understand. I just cried and prayed and asked for guidance. When I calmed down, after minutes of praying I went back to the emergency room and saw that Mama woke up looking very well. I was very happy to see her smiling at me. My sister then asked if I saw the old lady and I said no. We walked around searching for her in the place but we haven't found her. We want to thank her. I was also surprised to hear that my sisters also saw our grandmother in the form of her. It was a miracle. It was a miracle to see Mama looking well. 

Although Mama died on the third attempt of fighting for her life, I was very glad for that miracle. I was very glad because after that, even if Mama can't talk very well, we got time to be with each other. I read her stories, sang songs together, watched TV and I played guitar beside her. Back when she was strong, she would tell me real-life stories about my siblings in their childhood. I loved it. And whenever I got sick, she'll feed me soup in bed. When she was weak, I did everything I could. I did everything. Even not crying in front of her because I know she'll get weak.

It was a fantastic experience. A roller-coaster ride. A seemingly impossible attempt for someone's life. A miracle I am always happy to have witnessed. A beautiful life I am always grateful for.

Dear Life, I get it.

Like a ferris wheel ride, life takes a journey filled with thrill, surprises, and adventure. You sit still and brace yourself for the unknown for you will never know what you'll see, and what you have imagined might not be what you will perceive. You can be alone, with a friend or a stranger. You can shout, laugh or stay still. Life then takes you to the highest point. Most of the time, the things that you focus on will become smaller but larger as you go upward -- you see things in a larger scope. The larger it becomes, the more you have to widen your knowledge, the more you understand them as a whole. The higher you go, the more you feel responsible enough for your self.

But it goes down naturally. You can't command it to stay on top. It goes down as how it must be. This time you become familiar with the things that you've seen. That you sometimes forget about their worth -- how they excite you, thrill you, feel to you. You become less appreciative than before. The lower you go, the more scared you are to face the known. To face the same stuff you have seen before; it bores you.

But you have a freedom of choice. A freedom to choose what you want for yourself. A choice between living a boring life or a happy one. You can go for another ride and open yourself for the known but feel it in a different way. Or, you can go for a walk around the park and know the things you've seen from afar but this time closer.

It is really up to you how you want your life to be. And I hope that whatever you choose, you get the same amount of happiness or more. :)

Larger-than-life kind of dreams

There is a point in our life where we get so depressed that we find ourselves drowning in the ocean and could never go back up on the surface. Most of the time, we choose to drown because we think that the waves are too strong and too big for us to survive. But if you are a lover of life, you will strive for survival because you know that the waves don't intentionally drown you but rather let you ride on them and take you to where you can swim back to the shore.

At this point, I am neither happy nor sad. But I tell you, at this point in time, I could not figure out what to do with life. Like, the entirety of it. Because I am not quite sure where to go and where to put myself. I am trapped in a place where I love staying in ever since but I often find myself struggling to get away from it thinking that maybe there are other places waiting for me to discover -- and maybe, my soul would be more at peace when I am there. This is when I end up daydreaming: I need to be in Finland (or Norway) because I want to witness the Northern Lights. Maybe, the south to witness the Southern Lights. I want to travel the whole world, know different culture, and meet people. Also, I want to stay for a day or two, or maybe more in different cities of The Philippines.

I consider these larger-than-life kind of things. I know some people have traveled to places I want to visit and they are lucky to witness the things I want to see. Instead of being happy, I get sad because there is no certainty that I could see all the sights and things that I consider beautiful in this world. It is like I am in the middle of the ocean, stuck with a choice between to swim towards the shore or let myself drown. When I rather live, that would mean I am going to meet a lot of uncertainties that life has to offer. But when I let myself drown, I am certain that my heart is going to stop beating, my lungs are going to stop breathing, and I will be in total darkness; in ocean's deepest point.

Yes. I am a lover of life but sometimes I get tired, too. Negative thoughts linger like thick dark clouds covering the whole city; the further I sulk into sadness, the sooner my tears slowly running down like rain from the sky. It goes on and on for hours. After it pours down, dark clouds are still there. It takes a long time to be sunny again. When the sun shines, I force myself to smile. Mirrors don't lie. Mine, at least. It has seen me laugh, cry, naked, and sometimes my soul. "How is that possible?", you ask. Well, look at the mirror and ask "How are you?". You don't have to say it physically but rather mentally. Examine what you see. You may get confused at first but focus and you will see how it is. That is how you are. Of course, you need to be honest with yourself first. Your mirror won't lie if you know you are not faking inside.

I have written something before. Something like: "Sometimes all you need is a smile to brighten up your day. So, smile. Nobody cares if you are unhappy anyway. If you smile, it can change something or maybe someone; like, yourself." Funny thing is, it always works for me. I feel lighter inside when I see myself smiling. I feel positiveness inside. I feel like swimming towards the shore and mingle with life again.

I am not quite sure of how many times I found myself in the middle of the ocean but I am certain that I have never let myself drown. Obviously, I am a lover of life. I choose life because it is beautiful. Although there are sad things going on but those I count as the reasons why life remains beautiful. Life is full of uncertainties. That's just how it is. So, I grab the opportunity to learn new things and never stop dreaming. I believe that if you embrace life, it will give you more chances to achieve your larger-than-life kind of dreams. We just have to embrace it fully and never let go.

Learn to try new things and make mistakes. Dream big and never lose hope. Smile always and cry if you need to. Learn to ride the waves of life and when you fall down, be sure to get back up again. Enjoy it.

Speaking of dreams

We often think our dreams are too wild that it is impossible to let it happen; that it is better off inside our head because it is too good to be true and because we think it is impossible in the first place, there's a chance we wouldn't reach that dream at all. It may seem kind of a blur at first but when you really work out on it, you will get what you have dreamed of. Sometimes it may not be what you wanted in the first place. It could be a new output or a different kind but when you know you've done enough and you're happy with what you've got, you know it is something to be proud of. The hardest part in life is working on what you really want because oftentimes the world gives us difficult challenges to get a prize, which is your dream.

It just needs a little push, stretch and determination to get whatever you want.

It takes a lot of courage to find the big in the small.

We all have big dreams. 

For sure we want to be somebody someday. As for me, I want to be an engineer. That is the biggest dream so far. And I just realized, I am on my way there but not too soon. You see, I've been spending years in college and I never really can't see myself working as an engineer but I want it; I want to be an engineer someday. This one's a tough road for me but I'm never giving up.

I can't tell if I am going to be very successful once I finish it but I know it is something to be proud of. Though I might be spending some years more but I really don't care. Because this is it. This is my life. My life doesn't start once I graduate though it may be a little different, and more challenging, I guess.

What I hate about where I am is that people seem to look at me as a loser for not achieving anything. They start comparing me with other people and make me feel really bad about myself. Sure, they have lots of achievements to brag and they deserve it. As for me, I have nothing really. I've never gotten any medal in elementary and high school. All I ever cared about was to be with friends and have fun but I wasn't the kind of girl who goes out "having fun" you know what I mean. Back in the days, it was all about music. 

Now I'm in college, fifth year in college to be exact. I have failures, too, and I feel really bad about it. But that's just it. I don't think too much because it just makes me feel inferior. Though I talk about it too much sometimes but then I realize I am pushing myself down whenever I tell people I failed.

Right now, I am honestly encountering a lot of difficulties and I don't know what to do. One thing is for sure, I am pressured to a lot of things. Setting goals for the day helps me, somehow. It seems that the more I take another step, the more responsibilities, the more pressured I become. Obviously, I don't know how to calm down other than sleeping. 

Another semester is yet to come. Days from now I am facing another schedule and tasks. I want to be ready for it. I want to be that Debie who never gives up despite being throwned by a lot of insecurities and negativities. I want to be that Debie who does things her way. I never want to be that Debie who goes wherever the wind leads her. Last semester was the worst of all and it will never happen again. I swear to myself.

I need courage now. I know all these small personal development I am doing right now will lead me to a better self. To a more focused self. To a stronger self. I know because big things are made of small things. I won't let myself down this time.

One thing is for sure, I may not get any medal of any kind from the people I will be working for next semester, but I am going to finish what needs to be done. And I am doing it my way. Never will I surround myself with people who doesn't care about anything at all -- about me and my beliefs. Those days are gone now. I need to be on my own this time. And learn things by risking it all.

Big things are ahead of me and I must be ready for it. 

Being In Your 20's Is Being In A World Of Confusion

Somebody wrote: The mark of being in your early-to-mid 20′s is confusion. It starts with haphazardly being thrown into a life phase where you actually have to be responsible for yourself and your decisions. There’s the overwhelming pressure to get a great job, to succeed, to be wealthy, to go out into the world and be Somebody.

Exactly the same way I'm feeling right now. After all I'm 21 and just like what the writer said: I am bound to a world of confusion. I am lucky, though, that I have siblings to help me with life decisions but then it's me who will have to varnish everything.

At this moment, it seems like I am given a problem and the only way to live this life happily is to solve that problem using different math solutions given that the problem is a math equation. Funny that I thought of that. But yes, real-life problems are like math equations. At first you wouldn't know what to do so you have to think for a solution. Then you realize and analyze things. Then, at one point, you've thought of one or two ways to solve it and now you're confused which way to use.

We always have plans A, B, C and so on. And sometimes we take the risk to use plan A given that it's the first. Sometimes when plan A failed, we feel depressed and shit. That plans B and others might also be a failure. You think yourself as inferior. You feel like there's no other way you can solve it and that it may be fine to just leave it behind.

I'm an obsessive-compulsive person. And I have failed a lot of times. This time I am having the worst failure ever. A failure that made me think to revise everything. To erase everything. To go back to zero. But something tells me that maybe I can patch everything up. I just need some time.

I need some time but for how long? I don't know. All I know is that I need to know myself more in different angles. And that is what I am doing now. This semester break I made a list of to-do's. Things that would make me express what I feel through blogging, learning how to bike, go to different places, read a book, learn how to cook and make recipes, and bond more with my family.

Time management is what I need. And I am working on it now.

Hopefully, these decisions I have in mind would help me make a happy person [ I have been a sad person these past months and I'd like to think it's the reason why I'm a failure at a lot of things].

Date A Girl Who Goes On Adventures

I have always wanted to participate in Date A Girl series but I am always out of ideas. This time I will try to write something and if it comes out nice then you're probably reading this. :p

Date a girl who goes on adventures. Date a girl who likes cheap adventures. She is not a fan of well-developed beaches and resorts. She may be afraid to go to secret places but is always game to try new challenges. She can build a tent, make a bonfire, and eat marshmallows with you. She wants to spend more time with someone she loves in a nature setting, rather than in places where mostly young couples want to be. 

Date a girl who can bring you to the top of a mountain. She is always thrilled on climbing a mountain to view the whole city. That means she is a girl who has dreams and works on her dreams with pure strength and determination. And she knows that she will get to the top because she stands firmly on her visions. She has a positive attitude and motivation. She will show you how beautiful the world is. And mostly, she wants to witness sunrise with you. So when the sun rises on the mountains, wake her up and kiss her and tell her that you love her. That in every sunrise you will be with her and at sunset you will hug her so tight to keep her warm until the sun rises again.

Date  a girl who can bring you to the top of the falls. She may be afraid at climbing to the top but she never lets the mossy rocks slip her down. She grips tightly on the roots or even twigs of trees but she never gives up because she wants to see how beautiful nature can be.

Climbing makes her realize that even when you're at the top of the world, you need to go down to make room for others. So be with her and take care of her and let her know that life is full of ups and downs. You don't need to promise but please be with her when she's on her way down.

Date a girl who is not only adventurous but also who likes to spend time at home on a weekend. She is  simple and doesn't need any attention from others. For her, even spending a night inside her room watching some movies, drink some wine, talk about anything and other activities such as making a composition about life and love are fine. She wants to offer you food that she cooked. Take her outside and walk around the village and talk about random things. Make her laugh. Make her feel secured. Let her know that she's special.

As much as possible, the relationship she wants is simple. She doesn't need any expensive things from you. Material things aren't a big deal. She only wants you and be with you to her journeys.

Debie, 21, undecided but just fine

21 is the age of a girl who is, most likely, has a lot of concrete dreams, and working hard for her dreams to be achieved.

A girl who has read a lot of books (but this doesn't seem to fit for everybody so you can crash it out).

A girl who has broken a lot of hearts, and had her heart broken twice as much.

A girl who is strong to face whatever challenge she may face ahead.

I am 21.

And my dreams aren't concrete. I am even shy to tell these dreams so they're just encircling(?) inside my head all the time --mostly during idle time at school or home. As I would like to achieve all of them one by one, I don't have any clue where to start or what to do.

I can't consider myself as a girl who has read a lot of books but if you consider college books then I might be a bookworm (but not really).

My heart has broken a lot of times. Almost everyday. But it's not a big deal since I have a short attention span so I can divert myself to other things and leave the bullshit behind.

Well, at some point I am strong and I'd like to think that I am getting stronger everyday. But there are times I am in doubt when challenges come my way.

You can say I'm undecided; my dreams are always impossible. But I'd like to believe always that nothing is impossible in this world and that whatever you think, whatever your dreams are, for as long as it is not about the real impossible things, it's achievable.

Real impossible things? Those things that are definitely not happening. Mostly childish dreams e.g. being able to talk to a cat and that cat will talk back. You know, things as blurry as that.

But... you know what? I'm just fine.

Changes

You see, when you reach 20 you realize some things (and those things, I will leave that up to you). But you know, there are times when you just sit in one corner on a Sunday afternoon and realize how time flies so fast that you feel like you just graduated high school yesterday. Funny that it has been 4 years since that happened but you can still remember the thrill, the feeling of being a high school student (you know, walking along the corridor just to take a glimpse of Mr. Cute Guy, staying in the canteen instead of listening to the teacher), of being sweet sixteen, going out late at night and being a fan girl for a band that plays your type of music, those days when you don't worry about school because you know you will pass all subjects.  It definitely isn't the same in college. This isn't a graduation speech, by the way, but it might be when I finish this shit. Just kidding.

My teenage life was very much lively. I always break the rules but it didn't usually come off as a bad experience which reminds me to just do what you want to do and don't worry about the society if they might judge you because they don't really care at all. One minute, they talk about you but most of the time, they don't care at all but what they see of you won't change unless of course you prove to them that you're just being real and true to yourself.

It creeps me to think that the people I have known before as one of my closest friends aren't one of my closest friends anymore -- it is more like acquaintance. But I am happy that at least we have shared experiences. Experiences that are part of my history book.

What creeps me more is that, knowing from people who have seen me change over the years and what they think about me now. Let's say, my siblings, as they have witnessed me grow up, what can they say about me being what I am now? And what about my friends back in kindergarten, elementary and high school, as I have so much friendship shared among those people. I haven't had enemies so I am guessing they will say, "ah, si Debie, she's still the same Debie I know. Nice girl. Buutan na bata." Hahahaha

Change is a transition from light to dark and vice versa. Just like what you see from those coconut leaves in the picture. If I am going to integrate the changes in my life, as I can point out some but not as many as what others can give, to the change in color of those leaves, I would say the transition would be from light to dark side. Why? Because the older I get, the heavier my experiences are, the more complicated problems I'd face, more frustrations and negativities -- because in darkness, I feel like things are dense.

But let me say this, if you feel like you're still on the light side and you're on your way to the dark, and when you're starting to feel like the world is getting denser everyday, but you know, when you know how to live, how to take your responsibility, if you follow your mind and heart accordingly, you take chances to the things you haven't tried, when you start to break rules because you think it will do you good and provided the fact that you're in a good mind condition , you will surpass everything and it would be the most fulfilling thing in this world. And once you surpass all those shit, you know you just don't live in this world, rather you exist!

Of course, life is a cycle (today you're on the top, tomorrow may be different), and things may change instantly. The world will slap you another piece of shit, but you already know what to do. Good luck! And let me hear you say, "Life is a piece of cake." :)

To Attach One's Self To Others Is To Share Your Life With Them

There's something in the way I attach myself to people lately. Something that's been going on since I don't exactly know when. It's kind of annoying that I came to a point where I hated myself and slept all day. I wanted to be alone for a while but my friends were always there for me. Not that I don't want to be with them. The funny thing is, I feel like I cannot do things without their help. We all need other people's help.

But the attachment I have told earlier is that, well, I don't know if it is healthy or not, but I attach myself very close to my friends that I cannot stand it when I am alone. I feel lonely when I am alone. I miss them so much that I just want to go to the beach and spend the night with them. Getting high, drink a lot, talk, dance, sing with them. Because in my mind, I know, we'll all gonna go to different paths one day and we'll miss each other.

If I will to choose between high school and college, I will choose college. Who cares about high school? Some of us even have changed after high school. But that does not go for me, because, well, I am still the same. Hahaha! My high school life was crazy. I go out at night, drink and go home early in the morning. I was even in love at some point. Also, I was a hundred percent fan girl of some bands in the City. College was crazier. People I am with (and I was with) are real. You know, back in high school, most of us (well, at least this goes to my group of friends) have our ideologies, theories, something that has to do with "hey we're cool" things. Now, we don't set things. We don't want to achieve perfect adventures because along the way, even if we stumble into trouble, we know that it is a perfect adventure. Adventure because we love to go to different places. And by different places I meant somewhere else where socialites don't go. Hahaha!

But things have been quite difficult for us. Some of us have to go away to journey life alone. I understand because we all need to go to adventures all by ourselves, too. Things might change a bit but I know the attachment we have for each other will never get old.