Seven years ago was when I said my word for that year is brave: enough to face the ungracious people every day, enough to stand on my own, and enough to forgive all the hurtful words and actions done to me. Little did I know, that year was also the year when I had to live in the same environment for another year until my life would literally be totally different and more uncomfortable than it was in a different and, so far better, way.
We all have struggles in life, and those were the years when I had all the emotions to feel every single day. Looking back to those years, I always wondered how was I able to endure those lovely days and years. I guess it was simply because I still felt loved by people who care even though they were far away. So, through them and the constant reminder to myself that it is better to forgive and be humble every single day, I was able to still have joyful days. Those were the most golden years of me getting to know who I am in certain situations. That build-up resilience and constant reminders to just be still and trusting that all will be fine, have helped me through in living life away from home.
Don't get me wrong, it was not at all gloomy. I guess there was that drastic change in life that I have to go through. Certain people have expectations of you, and I guess during those times, in my early twenties, I have had certain expectations of myself and all those expectations were just not fruitful enough. I guess it was just me who was not satisfied with my should-haves, and that I was really too hard on myself. I still feel the emotions when I remember those years but you know what? As for how forgiving as I was those times, and even though I always thought it was not my fault at all, I think, at the age of 30, I realize that it was an important phase in my life that I had to go through so that I would understand life. At this age, I forgive not just those bad days but my younger self who had so many emotions and so many expectations around her.
I would like to look at it in a way that I was missing all the great people that were supposed to be there for me, however, those people also had to live on their own, to live their lives fully away from their comforts, to live and not just exist, and while I was feeling all the dramatic days where I lived in spacious surrounding but without almost always no-one was there. It was expected of me, and yes - I feel happy and grateful all the time for those who have understood what was going on. What's good is those years weren't really as dramatic as how I write them, it was wonderful years of so much love and so much hate. And when we see both, why do we (I) always focus on the hate? I've had so much time to write about those lonely days, but were actually necessary. I've had so much time to remember those lovely days but never really put them into writing. I wonder - could it be easier to write all the denser emotions?
Seven years after that year, I still choose the word brave. I am at my point in life where I see things differently now because I've had life experiences in between. Although I can never really say things are smooth or much better or full of sunshiney days, here I am again wanting to be braver than I was seven years back. I want to be brave to face another chapter full of uncertainty. What's going to happen next? How's life going to be? Our journey in life is always expanding and so therefore those bad days and years are definitely there to build up your resilience for what's to come in the future. It's there to help you grow so that you know how to deal with life and its expansion. Keep well, stay safe, and enjoy the journey. It is definitely okay to feel all the emotions especially the not-so-good ones because they are as equally as important for your being. Hang in there, you brave little one.
No comments:
Post a Comment