where is this sun you speak of?

You are a girl with nothing but money in mind, hatred that brews in heart, foggy and cold feelings. You are a girl with nothing but selfishness, rudeness and sensitive issues thrown everywhere. You are a girl with nothing but gossips,  gossips and more of it. You are a girl with nothing but bad karma from what you have done.

This reminds me of my childhood. The sea, the garden, the stuff I saw along the shore, the beautiful flowers that my Mama planted, the times I'm with Papa in the sea catching some fish, the afternoons spent reading some Archie comics, the times when we gathered around the garden as a family... It was pretty awesome.  This isn't a great painting, I know. But it's all I could do. I never had any photos when I was little but I have a lot of snapshots in my mind. I just can't draw or paint them as pretty as how they are. I wanted it to be abstract. Hahaha What I see: top view of the garden -- with flowers, and other plants -- and the sea. You may not see them but I can imagine how they look like exactly. Oh, childhood .

Probably the saddest summer of my life. Never gone to the beach, never partied all night. People seem so negative and bossy -- and most of all, difficult. Probably the summer I would never acknowledge again. Haven't had genuine feelings but sadness and loneliness -- and most of all, confusion. Probably the worst summer of all time. Probably the summer mostly spent dancing alone. Mostly spent dealing with difficult, bipolar and just plainly worst-at-being-people kind of people. But it was nice. / I got to have time for myself. / I got to fix something I never thought was broken. / Alas! I found the reason / why I've been down / prior the season.

I could never trace back the last time we stopped seeing each other. But I can still remember the feeling when you held my hands, when you wrapped me around your arms, when your innocent eyes met my drunken ones. When I look back to those memories, the first thing I remember is when you fetched me home early in the morning. Around three o'clock. I invited you over but you said I should go to bed. You smiled. I smiled. You were looking at me as I walk towards the door. That was sweet and sad, too. Sure, we've been to same gatherings and had small talks. But that memory is the only thing that's stuck in my head. I never thought it would be the last. Now, we don't talk like we used to. There were chances but it was I who felt like staying in. You should know that those small talks meant a lot to me. Those friendly holding of hands meant something to me. You should...

I made a little notebook. Kind of Field Notes-inspired one. I have a lot of papers and some of them are from my sister back when she was still in college. She was a Civil Engineering student so she had so many paper grids. I used them once for my Analytic Geometry class four years ago. But there are still three packs left and I don't know what to do with them. So, I decided to make a little notebook with grids. I thought it would be cool to make my own notebook.  By the way, I am going to have my first Field Notes ever! I will blog about it soon. Excited! :) I started writing some poems in it. Also, planning to write all my to-do stuff and some other lists here. :D

Soft voices from birds creating melody in a peaceful sunny afternoon. Wind touching your face as your hair slowly dancing freely with it. The air is fresh like it was six in the morning. You see kids laughing and chasing each other. Now you are remembering the old times and good old friends as you continue to walk. People looking at you with their pretty smiles and you smile back which makes you smile deep inside. Everything looks so happy like sadness doesn't mean a thing. It feels wonderful, genuine, and light. You are happy that you are alive. The feeling seems so familiar. Then you woke up and realize you just had the best afternoon spent in a dream. You wish it was real. You wish it was real.

I love listening to oldies. One of my favorites, and I have too many (old songs) favorite!, is Blowing In The Wind. What I love about this song is the meaning of the lyrics; it constantly reminds me to take a break and slow things down. For some reason, I feel relaxed when I listen to it. So, here is my attempt to play the song in piano. I am not very good at playing piano but at least I tried. And that's all I could do. Hahaha :p

How calming it is to know you are there. To think I've left you things I know you can't bear. I know I'm not alone at making you sad. In fact, there are a million of us who make you feel bad. How awful it is to make you feel this way. It is a shame that others don't realize this way. You've given us enough but sometimes we want more. We dig up everything up to your core. We've seen you sad and hurt sometimes. Witnessed the darkest version of you most of the time. I'm sorry to cause you too much pain. You should know I care for you and there are others, too. I hope they will realize this. That life is nothing without you in it. So, they will stop being selfish and rude. That even a candy wrapper will ruin your mood. How amazing it would be to know that people think about you and your worth. That they will learn to keep you clean, stable and fresh. So, you'd be happy and lovely as how you should be.

When I look at this one side of my room, I feel there is something lacking. A photo, print or anything could fill the empty wall and the boring vibe it gives me. So I made something for it. A lamp post would do.  I used papers, acrylic paint, scissors, ruler, glue and double-sided tape. Linkin Park's Minutes to Midnight album was on repeat. An actual lamp serves as an inspiration for my paper lamp post. I was supposed to be putting little stars but I ended up putting an interrobang (?!). There's something about the interrobang in that lamp post. I just could not tell about it yet!  It looks simple but I have plans for it. Maybe put some photos around it? I don't know but I am going to put something there soon. Also, I like the way where it is placed because at night, when I open my windows, the light from the lamp post outside touches the exact place where my paper lamp post is!  It looks so cool. It actually looks like a shadow of a lamp post ...

There is a point in our life where we get so depressed that we find ourselves drowning in the ocean and could never go back up on the surface. Most of the time, we choose to drown because we think that the waves are too strong and too big for us to survive. But if you are a lover of life, you will strive for survival because you know that the waves don't intentionally drown you but rather let you ride on them and take you to where you can swim back to the shore. At this point, I am neither happy nor sad. But I tell you, at this point in time, I could not figure out what to do with life. Like, the entirety of it. Because I am not quite sure where to go and where to put myself. I am trapped in a place where I love staying in ever since but I often find myself struggling to get away from it thinking that maybe there are other places waiting for me to discover -- and maybe, my soul would be more at peace when I am there. This is when I end up daydreaming: I need to be in Finlan...