where is this sun you speak of?

One afternoon when no one was in our home but me, I decided to bum around the house just wearing an almost-transparent white sando and a grey mini short -- all cotton. My hair was messy for I only comb my hair every after shower. I watched tv like a boss. I didn't mind how I looked for no one was around and the only eyes that can see me were that of our three talking Mynah birds who alternatively whistles "witwew" also says "pangit pangit pangit" for no reason. Anyway, I was watching TV when suddenly you knocked on our green metal gate. Of course, I was annoyed for the show was exciting and I can't pause it. I needed to go outside to check who you are but I also needed to go upstairs to get a shirt and a normal short for I dressed like those girls in FHM (well, not really hahaha). But you knocked loudly so I decided to just go out and hide behind the gate just so you'd shut up and to get back to the program as quickly as possible. I was so embarrased b...

How I really am when I say I'm really sad? How am I? Really sad. Sad, really sad. I am really sad when I say I'm really sad. 

This is not really a do-it-yourself. It is more like a re-make of an old living room furniture. I was once a magazine addict. I always buy at least one mag per month. Those were the times when I cared so much about my favorite mainstream local artists. For years, all the magazines I bought were piled in one corner of the room. It looked so messy. Until my brother bought a magazine holder so our visitors could read something in the living room. Also, for the sake of having a cleaner area. It lasted only for a year. I stopped caring about those people so I stopped buying magazines (Good to know, right?) From then, nobody cared so much about the magazine holder. After 5 years, I decided to give away the magazines and leave some behind. Also, clean the magazine holder and add color to it. It stayed inside a large cabinet, dusty for years. The fabric is not in a good condition at all. So, I decided to wash and paint it. Adding colors to fabric is fun. I used Burnt Sienna for the o...

I am such a big fan of Diego Mapa's music: Eggboy and the dangerous band, Pedicab! When I heard that he is working on a new project, I got too excited because I knew I would love it!  Tarsius is Diego Mapa and Jay Gapasin (Radioactive sago project). Wala na akong ibang masabi, ang sarap lang talaga pakinggan. Nakakawala ng stress! Hahaha I asked some people to describe the band's music in three words: My favorites are Deathless Gods, E.S.P., Black Saturday, Whirling Dervish and Association Dues! Congratulations, Tarsius!! This is the earliest gift I've received for Christmas! Hahaha Thank you!!

It is a funny fact that even if I think I am strong enough to face a problem, I find myself going to a familiar dark path, eventually get lost and wait to be rescued. But it doesn't happen all the time -- usually when I encounter new things. When you feel sad, would you give into sadness or divert to other things? I usually give into sadness. Even if I wanted to go to the other side, I just can't seem to find peace when I know there's war going on somewhere in my heart. I admire people who have the ability to divert and erase whatever feeling they want to forget. If you're one of them, please teach me how. Do you also feel like, when you're really sad, you are indirectly placed in a familiar place in mind? You are crying in your room, trying to recall everything that happened and then eventually you are in a state where it seems like everything just hurts. You feel helpless and then you cry more. This time, loudly. Feels kind of weird sharing this person...

We often think our dreams are too wild that it is impossible to let it happen; that it is better off inside our head because it is too good to be true and because we think it is impossible in the first place, there's a chance we wouldn't reach that dream at all. It may seem kind of a blur at first but when you really work out on it, you will get what you have dreamed of. Sometimes it may not be what you wanted in the first place. It could be a new output or a different kind but when you know you've done enough and you're happy with what you've got, you know it is something to be proud of. The hardest part in life is working on what you really want because oftentimes the world gives us difficult challenges to get a prize, which is your dream. It just needs a little push, stretch and determination to get whatever you want.

There is unexplainable excitement whenever I talk to you. Especially because you say the things I least hear every day. We share stories and experiences; trying to let each other feel the emotions we had back in the days. There's fun when I'm with you. Do you feel the same way, too? Clueless, why I still talk to you. When I know we can never be in the same place. Though I hope one day in the future, it wouldn't really matter if you are not what you are today, I just want to see the person who I talk to almost every night. I want to know if you are real.

I would like my future to be more adventurous; have tight relationships with a lover and a small number of friends, be busy at work but have time for other things; spend free afternoons baking cookies, cake and others; own a small house even if I am not married yet; design my own house; own a small store be it a coffee shop, boutique, flower shop, or anything; design my own shop; own a space on the internet; publish all these entries in a book; ... With no specific place to spend all these things yet, I would like my future to be stable in a happy place. Just because it is a happy place doesn't mean I wouldn't like to face problems. I know there is a copious amount of problems waiting for me but living in a happy place -- being with people I love and being surrounded with people who are nice -- would make everything fine.

I have always thought I'm smart (haha) but when I entered college, it was a little different. I became the not-so-smart-academically person and I'm okay with it. But sometimes I get frustrated thinking that my batchmates are graduating very soon [some even have work] and here I am still a student, trying to figure out engineering stuff and of course, art. Though I'm not really good at making art, I still force myself to make things that make me happy. Since engineering kind of makes me feel sad at times. Art is there to balance my feelings. Anyway, back in the days when my sister was in college and I was in elementary, I teased her for having failing grades. I never knew engineering was hard. Now I understand how in the world she failed her subjects. She was not even mad at me before. Maybe when I exclaimed that I'm going to take engineering, she laughed mentally because she knew it's hard and I'm going to have failing subjects. Hahaha Well, fair enough. I gue...

It's been a long time since I went to some adventure. Getting drunk with the same people in the circle. Sometimes double shots. Then it gets blurry. Then it gets better. Good times! Feels weird reminiscing -- the number of drunk nights we've had -- all alone. Not even a drink to accompany me. Everyone's busy, even myself. I try to convince myself that going wild doesn't mean going to adventures in places far away from where I am. Since my schedule for this semester requires more time bonding with real-life situations, I will try to incorporate wild adventures to real-life (e.g. projects and all that) adventures. I hope this time I will finish everything.

This has nothing to do with NYC nor Justin Beiber (what haha). One time while having dinner, I was drinking Mountain Dew and surprisingly hummed Lana Del Rey's Diet Mtn Dew. Then I thought of making a mix with that song in it. The reason why I took a photo of my bottle that night! I am trying to come up with a theme for this but I just can't think of something and I'm too excited to publish my creativity (what haha) Anyway, I ended up listening to songs which seem to speak about boys, love and all that stuff. Tracks: Lana Del Rey - Diet Mtn Dew Wild Child - Pillow Talk Lykke Li - Unchained Melody Ingrid Michealson - Creep Cults - You Know What I Mean Best Coast - When I'm With You Flight Facilities - Crave You (Ft. Giselle) Beach House - Heart Of Chambers .zip

"Golden Tree" by Martin Brooks from Ninian Doff on Vimeo . The only thing that I never crossed out on my To Do List for semester break is: Learn how to ride a bike. I don't know how to ride a bike and I blame myself so much for not exerting effort. Even though my mother never wanted me to ride a bike in the first place. She should be blamed! Hahahaha but then, I never should have listened to her -- like what my other siblings did. I have 5 siblings and among us it is I who don't know how to balance on a bike. Poor me. Anyway, this video displays 50 no handed bike moves. My favorites are: The Archer, The Letter Writer, The Swimmer, The Graceful Swan, The Smoker, The Cup Of Tea, The Olympic Swimmer, The Canoe & The Mime. Ninian Doff, the one who made the video, said that I should learn (how to ride a bike) today! I have a whole lifetime to learn how and I am definitely not going to die unless I have done biking. I swear! :P

The sky effortlessly tells me to slow down a little bit especially during sunset. It has been a long day and maybe a productive one.

One thing I enjoy waking up early in the morning is seeing my curtains glow brightly. The sunlight that passes through it just feels so magical. It is telling me something good about my day. Something positively strong. It gives me strength to face the day for whatever comes my way. It's that light through the window curtains in that very corner of the room that says stay calm and take it easy. For when I get home by the time the sun has already set, I begin to hope for another morning full of excitement, curiousity, bravery and positivity.

I have never found comfort anywhere in the world except our home. Part of me wants to be somewhere else and build a comfort zone but another part of me is afraid to go out and face errors. I always cling to my siblings ever since my parents left us behind. I always attach myself to people who never really cared in the first place because I am afraid to go out there and face the world on my own. I have no other choice. Funny because whenever something big will happen, I feel so brave to face whatever it is but when the time comes, I easily feel weary. I swear I'm a brave girl but when I'm faced with the reality -- the things that really matter in life -- I feel less fueled. For the past years, an ice cream, a cheap cake, a hug or anything that makes me happy are considered a piece of home. When it's gone, I have nothing. It always goes back to finding something. Nothing permanent. Really sad. Last night, I was thinking of possibilities. A lot of 'what ifs' wer...

Watching the rain Trying to make a decision Caught up in the middle Darkness filled the space Looking through the window Humming a sound Smelled the rain Head ache drifted away Still looking for an answer Birds trying to help They said something to me I said, " I don't know how! " Who am I kidding? " You wouldn't know unless you try! " " You can do it! " " You just need to fly! " " Follow you heart," Stupid. " it will lead you the way. " Fucking stupid. The rain ain't helping or it caused too much thinking. I must go to bed and make that decision with the sunlight instead.

Remember what it feels like to be a kid? No worries, less complications, more surprises! I miss those days when I wake up not thinking about what things to do first but instead thinking about what is there to do? What games to play? Should I buy a new paper doll or watch Cartoon Network/Nickelodeon/Disney Channel all day? Those times when my mother tell me stories about my siblings until I fall asleep. When I get home from school, I don't mind of other people so I can focus on my homework. Everything is not the same. Ah, life! I never thought you'd be so hard to live sometimes but I'm not complaining! In fact, I find you beautiful! Thank you! I just wish you'll slow down a little bit.

All photos by Google Images The first song I've heard from these girls is Stars. Then I got hooked. They're just so cute to ignore. Every time I listen to them, I feel calm. Their songs make me feel loved by no one. It may sound weird; I find it weird, too! But feeling a little less lonely and a little happier out of nowhere is good. At least, I get to have peace of mind. Am I making sense? I hope so. I hope you get what I feel. I just love all their songs. And it is so hard to explain just how much I love this band.  😍